Ayoon wa Azan (I Have Advice for Anyone 80 and Older)

The nurse entered the waiting room of a maternity ward and said to an 80-year-old man, “Congratulations, your young wife has given birth to a boy.” The old man yelled with joy, and said, “Maybe I can do it again.” One of those in the waiting room said, “What makes you think that you did it the first time?”

I remembered this joke while reading a long report in the supplement of one of the London Sunday papers, about elderly famous people. The cover featured actress Honor Blackman, whose age shocked me – she is 83. However, I remember her as a young woman playing Pussy Galore in Goldfinger, one of the most famous James Bond movies.

While young I would dream of someone beautiful like Honor Blackman, and I now dream of a solution to the Middle East issue. My success in resolving the issue is as important as my previous success with beauty.

The report in the magazine contained photos of four British Sikhs, ranging in age from 79 to 98 years, whose age did not prevent from participating in a marathon. I had earlier read an article about the UK’s Alan Morton, who took part in the London marathon in April, and he is 75 years old. He was ranked seventh in the over-70 division. Then doubts arose last month after a review of the race films, with the likelihood that he cheated during one of the legs, and used a short-cut on a side road. However, no one doubts that George HW Bush did a parachute jump fro a plane to celebrate his 85th birthday, and it was filmed by television.

The actress Joan Collins, who some readers must remember from the soap opera Dynasty, is 76 years old. Fashion designer Mary Quant is 75, while race car champion Stirling Moss is 79.

What irritated me about the news of those elderly famous people is that they are still active and playing their favorite sport. If someone at this age mentions lifting weights, it would mean being able to get up and stand. When I was an adolescent I could hardly wait to be 20. Then I reached it, and thought that 30 was better. Then I got to 40, and stopped counting. Then there came a day in which I envied 40. However, I refuse to worry about age and decided to turn my life upside-down, and after I was depressed and anxious, I am now anxious and depressed.

In fact, I can still make fun of myself, and of people, as the reader can see, and I agree with the woman whose doctor told her that he could not make her younger. She responded, “I don’t want to get younger, but I want to remain older.”

This is the slogan of the times. An 80-year-old said that he read the obituaries in the newspaper every morning and if he did not find his name, he would continue his life. I read the obituaries because there might be the names of people I know, and I noticed that in the obituaries page in al-Ahram, the people die randomly, while in the Times of London, they die in alphabetical order.

I hope readers enjoy wealth and children, and a long life, and will mention what I read recently: a wise man told a young man that if a man is not good looking at 20, strong at 30, rich at 40 and wise at 50, he will never be any of the above. The young man thought for a bit and responded, “Do you have any other options?”

In the end, life is better than the other option, just like marriage. Even if it ends in divorce, it is better. Statistics say that half of all the marriages in the west end in divorce, while the other half end in death.

A person does not need to reach the age of 80 to realize that the world has changed. I heard about a 50-year-old who said, “I don’t understand the world. My son wears an earring. My daughter has tattoos on her arms. My wife makes three times more than I do… I’m going to my parents’ house.”

If he goes, he will find that his father is complaining about his role; this is why people long for the good old days, even though they are really pining for the old nights, and not the days; the former involve fun, and the latter involve work.

What else? I read that famous French painter Pierre-Auguste Renoir once said, “After you lose your teeth, you have enough to buy a steak.” It’s like the Egyptians say: “They give earrings to people who don’t have ears,” or like the Lebanese say: “Sweets for people without teeth.”

I have advice for anyone who is 80 and older, and is still fighting: the best way to remove wrinkles is to take off your glasses before looking in the mirror.